I'm not a boy. Not yet a woman.
I don’t know whether to tell you the manly stuff first or the girly stuff first. I do have a little of both, though. Oh heck, I may as well get the girly stuff out of the way first.
1. When did I get so doggoned sensitive? Oh my goodness! I watched TV all morning with a freakin’ tissue in my hand. First culprit to make me all teary-eyed was Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And this isn’t the first time, either. They do these human interest themed shows. They need to get back to just working on the houses. I mean, how embarrassing is it to be all misty eyed while watching someone doing an improvement project on a basement. Dang! Today they were doing a home improvement for a couple who were both deaf since birth and they had a blind, autistic child.
After that I watched a variety special for the troops . Of course, I had to get another tissue for all the wounded soldier stories, the close-up miss my wife/husband shots, and all three of the surprise reunions. I will admit, the surprise reunions were cool, though. But anyway, I think the point has been made that nowadays I’m pretty much a woman. Next item…
2. I suppose you should all thank me. It seems I have saved thousands of lives, kept millions disease free and saved millions more man-hours of potentially lost productivity at work. According to the poster in the men’s head at the Branch Dental Clinic I did it all by washing my hands after I peed. I really didn’t know I could affect so many people. And I feel really, really bad for the countless thousands who had to die because of me. I mean, I don’t know how many times I’ve peed in the woods and not washed my hands afterward. I guess a moment of silence is in order.
3. The troops special was with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. I didn’t really know anything about either of them. He was OK. Kinda hokey when talking, but had a good voice. Real well suited for R&B type songs. But who told Jessica she was such a great singer? Sure, she had a nice flat belly, but lord have mercy, she massacreed “These Boots Were Made For Walking”, even with Willie Nelson helping out. She didn’t make me or God want to bless America when she sang “God Bless America”, either. I guess she sounded pretty good on one song that I gather was a radio hit for her. Don’t know the name of it but it was something about “…with nothing but a t-shirt on.” She might have just sounded good due to the power of suggestion the lyrics possessed. Don’t know. Still, anyone who does anything for the troops because they want to, well, they get the benefit of the doubt from me.
4. OK, same show, different “celebrity”. Jimmy Kimmel asked who thought it wasn’t fair that Nick was the one married to Jessica. When all them boys raised their hands he said, “Then let’s kill him. There’s about 3000 of you and most of you have guns.” I don’t consider myself to be overly sensitive, crying like a woman notwithstanding, but I thought that comment was a little out there.
5. Last thing. I am available to help rebellious girls or young women get back at their parents. Think about it, I’m perfect. How much would it upset your folks for you to run straight into my arms? I’m the logical choice because I’m old. Way too old for you. And I’m not good looking. Or charming. So what in the world could you see in me? I don’t have a flashy car and I don’t make much money. I never went to college and I am, to put it kindly, pudgy. There is no reason for you to be hanging all over me, kissing and hugging all the time. It’d make them so dadgum mad. Yeah, that would really teach ‘em. So, if you’re interested girls, you know how to find me.
All right, gonna turn my attention back to the Pistons-Heat game 6. Smell ya later.
Travelin’ Ed
1. When did I get so doggoned sensitive? Oh my goodness! I watched TV all morning with a freakin’ tissue in my hand. First culprit to make me all teary-eyed was Extreme Makeover: Home Edition. And this isn’t the first time, either. They do these human interest themed shows. They need to get back to just working on the houses. I mean, how embarrassing is it to be all misty eyed while watching someone doing an improvement project on a basement. Dang! Today they were doing a home improvement for a couple who were both deaf since birth and they had a blind, autistic child.
After that I watched a variety special for the troops . Of course, I had to get another tissue for all the wounded soldier stories, the close-up miss my wife/husband shots, and all three of the surprise reunions. I will admit, the surprise reunions were cool, though. But anyway, I think the point has been made that nowadays I’m pretty much a woman. Next item…
2. I suppose you should all thank me. It seems I have saved thousands of lives, kept millions disease free and saved millions more man-hours of potentially lost productivity at work. According to the poster in the men’s head at the Branch Dental Clinic I did it all by washing my hands after I peed. I really didn’t know I could affect so many people. And I feel really, really bad for the countless thousands who had to die because of me. I mean, I don’t know how many times I’ve peed in the woods and not washed my hands afterward. I guess a moment of silence is in order.
3. The troops special was with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson. I didn’t really know anything about either of them. He was OK. Kinda hokey when talking, but had a good voice. Real well suited for R&B type songs. But who told Jessica she was such a great singer? Sure, she had a nice flat belly, but lord have mercy, she massacreed “These Boots Were Made For Walking”, even with Willie Nelson helping out. She didn’t make me or God want to bless America when she sang “God Bless America”, either. I guess she sounded pretty good on one song that I gather was a radio hit for her. Don’t know the name of it but it was something about “…with nothing but a t-shirt on.” She might have just sounded good due to the power of suggestion the lyrics possessed. Don’t know. Still, anyone who does anything for the troops because they want to, well, they get the benefit of the doubt from me.
4. OK, same show, different “celebrity”. Jimmy Kimmel asked who thought it wasn’t fair that Nick was the one married to Jessica. When all them boys raised their hands he said, “Then let’s kill him. There’s about 3000 of you and most of you have guns.” I don’t consider myself to be overly sensitive, crying like a woman notwithstanding, but I thought that comment was a little out there.
5. Last thing. I am available to help rebellious girls or young women get back at their parents. Think about it, I’m perfect. How much would it upset your folks for you to run straight into my arms? I’m the logical choice because I’m old. Way too old for you. And I’m not good looking. Or charming. So what in the world could you see in me? I don’t have a flashy car and I don’t make much money. I never went to college and I am, to put it kindly, pudgy. There is no reason for you to be hanging all over me, kissing and hugging all the time. It’d make them so dadgum mad. Yeah, that would really teach ‘em. So, if you’re interested girls, you know how to find me.
All right, gonna turn my attention back to the Pistons-Heat game 6. Smell ya later.
Travelin’ Ed
That's what I'm about. Ramblin' Ed at 8:10 PM
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